Can we teach our kids to stop staring?
Seriously.
Can we raise children who choose to ask questions and speak directly to people who look or act differently? Can we have open conversations with our children to discuss why it can be so painful to whisper and point at people who are different or act differently?
I’m so tired of it.
Jordan’s tired of it.
Jordan is a rock star. She rolls with so many punches. But even she hits her limits with staring and questions. This week she’s had enough of it all. This is a lifelong process for her. I know Jordan has to go through some really tough emotions and decide when she’s ready to just ignore the looks and whispers. But now is not the time. In the meantime, can we all just get over it?
People are different. And all parents need to celebrate and recognize differences are cool and not scary. They are worth talking about and not whispering.
Why do I feel like the only parent teaching this lesson? (I know I’m not. I’m just in a mood.) Where is the text book we all need to read to help us raise our kids to be kind and understanding people?
Jordan was feeling a bit unsure before her new dance class.
Jordan started a new dance class this week. For the first time in years, she’s in a class with boys. During the first class, the boys spent a good portion of the time whispering and staring at Jordan. I asked her why she didn’t confront them. She explained it felt embarrassing and she feels stronger when there’s another friend with her when she needs to confront staring.
Holding my crying little (but not so little) girl in my arms hurts my heart. This sucks. We all know it sucks. But this was the moment when I realized Jordan might be ready to take the staring monkey off her back. It was a discovery that took time for me to understand.
When Jordan was a baby, I used to look everywhere to find the people staring and whispering when we’d get out of the house. I wanted to catch those staring violators in the act and teach them a lesson. Or I just let anger build up inside of me. But around the time she was three or four months old, I realized I had a choice to get worked up by the looks and stares or I could choose to live my life with my beautiful family. I had a chance to teach those staring people a lesson by showing them how a limb difference doesn’t stop our family from being a typical family. Jordan is living a typical life with a non-typical arm. If you look at the big picture, there is NOTHING wrong with her except she doesn’t fit the mold of a typical human shape. I decided that some of those people staring can learn that big picture just by watching us carrying on our lives. If they don’t learn that lesson, then it’s too bad for them.
I realize I need to empower Jordan and probably her friends at the same time to just let the staring go. Don’t seek it out. Don’t hunt down the points and whispers. But if the staring become obscene or obvious, it’s up to her to decide if she wants to call them out. If she’s feeling uncomfortable, I hope we can help her find solutions that she doesn’t find embarrassing.
Our temporary solution? I think we might create a new shirt to wear at dance class that says: “DON’T STARE, JUST ASK.” It will be a weekend project. And the idea brought a smile back to my girl’s face.
While we work on a new t-shirt to deal with staring. Could you take a moment to tell your kids why it’s SO much better to ask questions instead of stare? Taking the time to mention its importance can help generations of adults and children who live proudly with a difference. They’re all TIRED of it. All it takes is you. Please, I beg of you. Please bring this topic up in a conversation. You are my only hope.
My son is 5 and was born without either of his hands. I understand how you feel about the staring. It is hard to watch your child hurt because of something that kids and adults do that they should have learned not to do at a really early age. I really appreciate your posts. They are encouraging!
I feel the same way with my little guy that is 7 months all the staring. I know they are curious. But why the stare why can’t they ask what happen then to talk be hind and whisper.
Great read! Can you please give me some good non-threatening words to use when asking questions. I always to try to smile and say hi to all sorts of folks I meet but I feel awkward if they have a limb difference, unusual piercing, unique hairstyle, or maybe they are just really really tall. I feel like they are thinking, “she is trying SO hard not to stare” and that is awkward too. So, is a question better than just ignoring the difference? Does Jordan get tired of too many questions? Help me find the right balance and the right words!!!
@Gina – that’s a fantastic question. I often walk up to someone and say how my daughter was born with a limb difference and I’m always thrilled to meet someone else who is living life like she is. Sometimes I just give a person direct eye contact and say hello instead of just the desire to stare. Other times, I ask if they feel comfortable telling me how they came to have a difference. (Especially with limb differences, it can be difficult to know if it’s a born just right situation or a traumatic accident.)
Yes!! 🙂
I wish there was something else to say to encourage you (and Jordan), but I think it gets better in adulthood. It never goes away, but it did get better for me anyway. I don’t know if other adults have had that same experience or not though.
It’s been my experience when young children would go to ask questions they would pull them away like it was wrong which makes them think there is something wrong instead of explaining everyone is different. The children that did ask and it was explained were more like o ok and then just want to play. It so obviously starts with the parents.
I have had people come up to me and just ask directly what happened with Aashna and Aariya’s hands. Sometimes it catches me off guard but once i tell them what happened life goes back to normal and we get no stares after. Most people even follow up with “they are precious or god bless them”. I had one young lady ask me once “what their story was” it took me a second to figure out what she was talking about but i thought was a very nice polite way of asking.
Most kids just come up and ask me directly what happened? I just tell them and they go on about their business. My girls are still young so i cant answer how they will liked to be approached but as a parent – i just appreciate that they came and asked instead of just staring and wondering and whispering.
Thank you SO much for this!! My son is 9 and has a hand difference and started a new school and is beyond frustrated with the staring. He doesn’t understand why people don’t have “the courage to just ask” instead of stare. I love that he thinks that way. I did try to explain to him that my generation probably was raised that you don’t ask people about differences because that’s rude-even though it’s also rude to stare. I have encouraged him to have the courage to say “I noticed you looking at my arm. I was born this way.” He feels it’s rude of him to be that direct but I am trying to convince him that with the right tone of voice it’s not rude. I hope that as he gets older and more mature he finds the confidence to bring it up himself if need be.
I’m right there with you, Michelle!!
I love the t-shirt idea! Hope we’ll get pix of the creation process and final product. 🙂
I try to be really open and honest with my boys when we see someone who might have a difference in limbs, mobility, etc. If they say, “What’s wrong with his ___________?” I make sure to immediate correct and say, “There’s nothing *wrong*; we just all have different ways of getting around, different ways our bodies work, etc.” Even though my boys don’t have a physical difference that is noticeable to the naked eye, they have the “invisible” differences. I appreciate you so much, Jen! xoxo
Exactly, Lisa! Thanks for being awesome.
To be perfectly honest, I’m sick of the staring and the questions about my 5 year old not having a left hand. She just started school and I asked the teacher to discuss it the first day, and since then its no big deal to the kids. But kids in her school are one thing, I feel they should understand it doesn’t hurt her and shes fully able to do everything. Its random strangers I have a problem with. I will never see you again random woman in the grocery store, so why do you need to bother asking me? I feel like its brought up so much by strangers right in front of Annie, I am scared she will let her limb difference define her when she is a million wonderful things that make up an amazing girl who happens to have a limb difference. My advice, if the child is not a part of your life, its none of your business, you dont need to understand to be accepting. We teach our children to be accepting of all races, religions, sexuality and so on, why do people see this as something they should treat any differently?
“Don’t Stare, Just Ask.” I see the point in this. But my boy doesn’t always want to tell strangers what happened to his arm and honestly, it’s not a stranger’s business what happened to him anyway.
And sometimes we don’t feel like being ambassadors to rude people. Especially in the grocery store, we just want to buy our pasta and ice cream. My son doesn’t need to tell a stranger a very personal story about something he was born with just because they are curious. That’s a little blunt but there it is.
Now if it’s people we know or are friends with then, it’s a different situation.
But in regard to the rudeness that happens in public, I think I’d like a t-shirt that says, “Don’t Stare, Be Kind.”
My daughter was born an above elbow left arm amputee…she is 8 and also deals with stares and whispers. I’d love to get one of the shirts mentioned in your post for her. I think it’s a great idea!!
Jen, I’m so glad you brought this issue up! I read an article or blog post a few years ago by a woman who was differently-abled in some way (I’m sorry that I don’t remember the details), and she strongly felt that it was not okay for people to encourage their kids to ask her questions about her physical differences. To paraphrase, she felt that when people encouraged their kids to ask her questions (like in the grocery store, for example) it was an invasion of her privacy, and she felt like she was being used to further a stranger’s education. In those situations, she was the object of the lesson and, consequently, felt objectified. This woman’s account of being stared at and asked questions really stuck with me and has informed the way I talk to my five-year-old about differences. I encourage him not to stare, but I also encourage him not to ask people questions about their bodies. I explain that the how, what, and why of any person’s body is private business, and it’s only appropriate to ask if you are that person’s good friend and maybe not even then. Even so, I love the idea of Jordan wearing a “DON’T STARE, JUST ASK” shirt. She will totally rock it!
Thanks Kate! I agree… I think this is certainly a personal choice. But no matter what, staring is wrong. For Jordan, she’s much more comfortable having a conversation than staring. Maybe we all just need t-shirts that say our truths so people can just get past the bull and move on.
I love this site, I love to hear everyone’s ideas about differences, and I love hearing the experiences. My son isn’t much younger than Jordan and I really appreciate hearing both her view and yours (momma). Since I don’t have a limb difference, I wasn’t sure how those that have one would like others to react. Because yeah, we all do react, even if we try and act like were aren’t. I see someone different and I think about them. I wonder why. I hope they are able to do stuff that I can do. I think about my little guy. . .
Is it better to just be quiet and not say anything? Is it polite to ask? If so, what should someone say? Is it best to request a 5 minute opener and tell everyone about a difference when trying something new?
New experiences usually bring nerves for my little one. I’m not sure if it’s because it’s new or because he knows what to expect (the questions, the stares).
I don’t know the answer but thank you so much for brining “The First Experience” post up. Do we treat every new adventure like the first day of school? Make a book, a sign, or shirt? I don’t know, but I’d love some ideas and answers.
Hang in there, Jordan! Your sweet little face and smile bring plenty of stares on their own I’m sure!
I used to work at a camp for special needs kids. The boy I took care of most days was wheelchair-bound and couldn’t speak but was of normal intelligence. When we went to the public pool, some kids would just stare, but once I said hello and smiled, they’d come and ask questions and most would talk to him and even play with him… he LOVED making new friends. Contrast to other staff who would either yell, “What are you looking at?” or if a child tried to ask a question (usually “What’s wrong with him?) would scowl and respond with, “What’s wrong with you?” I certainly understand not wanting to pander to nosey people, but the younger kids are when they learn that people are people despite our differences, the better adults/parents they’ll grow up to be. Also, try TeekiHut.Com for custom shirts! No minimum order, you can get just one.
That’s a really great point, Brittany! And thanks for the t-shirt idea!
While interrogating my kindergartener with questions about his day I was left speechless as he shared a story about his bus-ride. He sat with a little girl on his ride home from school today. He said he sat next to her and she started staring at his special (missing) right hand. She then said “gross”! When I asked what he said, his reply “Nothing mom I was too sad, we didn’t talk the whole way home.”. Talk about heartbroken! I’m really at a loss on what to do.
Oh, Terri! I’m so so sorry. I would let him know that some kids just haven’t seen a lot of differences in their life. She doesn’t realize being different is awesome.
I completely understand. Ive got guardianship of my granddaughter who is 4 years old. She was born with no arms and I get tired if whispers and stares. Lacey does much better than I do, she says “God made this way or I was born this way”. I’m sure things are going to get harder the older she gets….
Christine, I’m not sure if it gets harder. We all have ups and downs. It feels more like peaks and valleys that come from time to time.
I remember learning in a psych class that there are evolutionary reasons why humans feel compelled to stare at those who look different. And that’s why one often feels like they are willing themselves not to stare. However the more exposure we have to others who look different the more the compulsion drops as that difference no longer seems so different. I read that Bethany Hamilton is going to be on The Amazing Race. Hopefully that will expose millions to just how like them people with limb differences can be.
And Jordan’s shirt sounds awesome!
I think it’s awesome that Jordan wants to wear that shirt!
Not all the staring and whispering from kids is about not being willing or able to “just ask.” Wish it was. At a certain age, and I’d say Jordan is there, interactions like this change from little kid stuff to big kid stuff, for the most part. The boys on the opposing basketball team who were staring, whispering, and laughing at one of my sons when he walked in their gym, hey look what thinks he can play with THAT, that’s so FREAKY, that wasn’t about not being able to ask about anything. Many, most, of us have been on the receiving end of this stuff for whatever difference we had (or that could be created for us), the focus of a group of kids looking for something to go after someone about, either being mean and/or just hey we’re not like that, we’re cool, we’re not weird, we are us. Middle School. If this stuff is seen and understood at all, the attitude of adults in charge is so often well we survived they will too. And if one or two doesn’t, nothing we can do about it. Girls will be girls, boys will be boys. grrrr. And middle school stuff starts long before middle school. Then there’s also the good old-fashioned bully, young or old: The visiting new kid in the summer school drama camp week didn’t need to ask about the arm, he looked around the room and found what he thought was the best kid to go after, the one clearly everyone must make fun of and not like, I mean look at him, he’s got a WEIRD arm. Bingo: Target! Wrong answer, the other kids told him off, he’s our friend! and the teacher set him very straight when she heard about it the next morning (great teacher; they won’t all do this, easier to ignore it or have the victim change in some way, the victim so wants things to change, the bully doesn’t). The kid told the teacher that he’d looked for someone to make fun of so the other kids would like him. My two sons get really tired of being the obvious ones but they also don’t let it stop them. The shirt idea is fun, though, and if it works for a kid, that’s great. My guys? No way. I can hear it now. Their usual approach is to get on with life and leave the others to their boring need to stand there stupidly and stare. It’s annoying but leaving it as the other kids’ problem helps keep it from becoming yours. And, as I said to our older son about the basketball game, let ’em underestimate you, let them think the kid with “only” one hand can’t play, let them not guard you, play the game that way for a little while. Then you can show them that the kid with one hand can nail a three-pointer . . . when he wants, when they’re not looking.
I hear you there, Ruth. Jordan needs to get to a place where she just lets all of the stares and whispers slide. Most of the time, I do the same. But until she’s ready to let it go, a shirt might help her feel a little stronger.
I have some experience with this – my son had a lazy eye and wore a patch and glasses from the age of 2-4 years old. The stares and comments we got were beyond belief (what did you do to him?).
As he got older, it was a challenge when he would take his glasses off for swimming, sleepovers, etc, and his eye would cross. He would answer as calmly as he could, but he was always self-conscious.
We are fortunate in that his crossing was corrected with surgery at the age of 19.
Your daughter – and your attitude about her – are shining examples of how people with limb (or any) difference should live and interact. Maybe a temporary tattoo would be a fun idea, along with a t-shirt!
Ohhhhh. Sharon, I LOVE the temporary tattoo idea.
Totally understand the not staring thing. My 11 year old son wears leg braces. But there’s many times he doesn’t feel like answering another question about why he wears them, and like other mothers who have reported here, from complete strangers. I tell him he’s representing for everyone wearing leg braces by being strong and living his life. I’ve also told him he can answer any way he wants. He told one teenaged boy he wears leg braces because as an infant he got some “sweet air” on a door frame jump-up which sent him flying 20 feet.
We’ve realized humor takes you a long way.
Humor is really awesome. Thanks, LeAnn.
[…] post asking everyone to not stare, just ask spread far and wide. I’m honored so many people joined in on the conversation surrounding the […]
Thank you so much for sharing this! I wish that those boys had just asked! Poor Jordan! I hope that this week goes better for her. (And I’m hoping you’ll post a picture of her in that cute “Don’t Stare, Just Ask!” tee shirt!) It is so important that we teach our kids (with and without disabilities) to celebrate differences, not just respect them! My guess is those little boys were raised by parents who think that talking about disabilities is awkward. They probably think that pointing out differences is unkind. And to some extent, they might be right. But staring is more awkward than talking about it. And even though we want kids to talk about the things that they have in common, the things that bind them together, if they only talk about those things, they miss the opportunity to fully celebrate every aspect of their identities, to be proud of all that they are! Let us know how this week goes! Jordan’s lucky to have a mom like you who helps her make sense of experiences like this. Chin up, Jordan! 🙂
Thank you, Elise!
[…] at Jordan and she didn’t feel up to confronting the kids. I got a bit saucy about staring on this blog… And it opened up some great conversations. But while us grown ups work on refining how we […]
[…] week we launched an awesome conversation about putting an end to staring. The one thing that came up many different time is the varying comfort people have to ask questions […]
I think we need to teach kids from the start, to ask…
1st) Can I ask you a Question?.
2nd) If the answer is YES, to then ask their question. If by chance the answer is NO, say OK & Thank You!!
3rd) NO matter what the Answer is to Thank The Person. 4th) Tell the child how Asking is Better Then Whispering & how Proud you Are of how they handled the interaction.
WE Also NEED to RETEACH our older Kids & teens
( Some Adults) Also. Remember Many of us Learned at our parent’s knees, Not to Stare. But Most never went on to explain or Answer Our Questions. Remember MOST People who are “Non Typical” would Rather answer a Question be Stared at. Wouldn’t You?
Remember. …. Teach By Example!!!
Yes yes yes! Thank you, Roe!!
[…] week and a half ago, I wrote from the heart about how I feel about staring and it’s opened an incredible number of conversations with […]
“Don’t stare. Just ask.” I love it! Totally useful for many situations.
My son is 6 and has ectrodactyly (doesn’t have all his fingers) on both hands. A lot of times, it takes both adults and children a while to notice the difference–but when they do they usually ask about it. We’ve taught Connor that everyone is different–we each have different hair, eyes, skin heights, etc.–it’s just that some differences are more noticeable than others–because we don’t see them as often. If a child asks me about it, I tell them the same thing. If an adult asks me about it, I tell them it was genetic–and just how he was born. My son just says “that’s how I was born” and leaves it at that. The only time he gets upset about questions, is when the same person keeps asking over and over about his hands–as if the answer would change! Humor also helps–we joke that I have “monkey” hands and that he has cool “dinosaur” or even “Yoda” hands–and who wouldn’t want to be tough and compassionate like Yoda? 🙂
[…] Just Right, a blog about her daughter, Jordan, who has a limb difference. We were so touched by her post about staring that we wanted to share it here! Thank you, Jen, for letting us share it! We hope this will […]