Friendship trumps logic
Third grade seems a little young… but friendships are a very important part of Jordan’s life and her self-confidence. I’ve tried to analyze her recent behavior challenges in school and I realize a lot of it leads to her hopes to be liked by everyone. It is fascinating to me because she’s spent more of her young life being okay as someone who stands out and is unusual. But beyond being known, the “like” part of a relationship is more important to her these days.
And she’s making really silly choices to connect with “friends.” I don’t consider them friends but she needs to figure that out on her own.
In the meantime, I’m grasping at information and ways to offer Jordan more logic. That’s why I left a comment with Jessica Cox on Facebook. She’s a woman who was born without arms who is a pilot, competes in martial arts and is an all around kick-butt woman. She had opened up a thread and invited anyone to ask questions.
“Hi, Jessica! I’m the mom to this firecracker, Jordan. She’s going through a stage where she wants to be like all the other girls, doing silly things to fit in. She’s always been proud of being different, but third grade is tricky. I know you have family support, just like Jordan. But in the end, it’s all about how you feel inside. How did you learn to accept and celebrate being you?”
Jessica’s response was pretty great and it reminded me that Miss Jordan is just getting into the start of a lifelong process of accepting herself:
“This was a very long process. Each person has their own journey. I decided to start asserting my self esteem in 8th grade when I stopped wearing my prosthetics. It still took many years before I was confident in my own skin. As a parent I encourage you to continue to support your daughter and you will watch her blossom. Look up the International Child Amputee Network too.”
I thanked her and let her know I have the awesome support of this community and the Camp No Limits and Nubability Athletics families (where Jordan has some really wonderful mentors). This reminds me how I have raised Jordan so far… I have stepped back and let her figure things out on her own. I’m going to have to let her figure out a way to accept herself… It’s a process every child has to go through. It isn’t a limb difference thing.
I say this often to my friends. This parenting thing is not for the faint of heart. Obviously I can’t rant and complain all the time about being an official mom of a tween daughter on this blog or on social media. (I never imagined almost-nine as a tween until lately.) It isn’t fair to Jordan or our family. I don’t plan to document each and every challenge Jordan faces but I do think it’s fair to not hide from reality. Growing up isn’t a pretty process. I want to be honest to a point. But this is the kind of growing up stuff that will lead Jordan to hating me for writing about her. I will always keep Born Just Right real. I promise.
I totally get it. My daughter will be 8 in February and I’m riding that fine line myself these days. So while we’re sorting it all out our girls are, too.
I think your words are powerful reminders of how sometimes our kids need to make their own mistakes. And at the same time, I believe sometimes we’re entitled to parent them through it and gently guide them if we’re fearful, no matter how things end up.
It’s tricky, this parenting thing. For sure.
Hello Jen,
I love your post as always. It is so powerful and inspiring.
Althought I have not got a limb difference, I have also had periods in which I was not sure of who I was and in which I did really silly things to have friends who were not really friends (as making lots of presents to everyone…). I’m sure Jordan will soon notice that these people don’t deserve her and she will focus on herself and on her family and her true friends.
Much love and keep us informed about the situation. 🙂
Laura
P.S: I have send you just you an e-mail with a song related to love and value yourself, which I think Jordan and you might enjoy 🙂 🙂
I’ve been following you on Facebook for quite some time. I am the grandparent of an amputee. She’s seven. I do know nothing you say, write, or do will result in Jordan in hating you. This is a new world with all this crazy technology. Kids are inundated with so much so fast. I agree nine is young, but in today’s world it is a tween. I have raised three children to adulthood and am enjoying my youngest at a very mature age of twelve. She’s so much more intuitive and aware than the others were in large part due to this technology expansive world. I bought the book, “Odd Girl Out”, thinking I would read it when she was a teen. I had to read it when she was in second grade! I feel for you. Someone gave me some of the best listening advise which was “just love them through it”. To help our amputee, I, along with her mother, have been compiling a book with letters of encouragement for our girl from other successful differently abled people. It’s for those days when she doesn’t feel as if she fits in. The fact is not everyone will like us, but the important ones will. Your little one will have a few emotional scrapes, but she’s grounded and she’s loved. She’ll be just fine.
Deanna, thank you. You brought me to tears because you’re right. The important ones like us. The important ones love us. And I will stick with Jordan as she will discover that truth someday.
I am not a parent of a child with a limb difference, in fact, my children are in their 20’s plus one who is almost 32. I have spent a lot of time working with preschoolers, as well as some elementary age kids. I think almost any child will do silly things to get friends and to feel accepted. I am wondering if it is not so much her limb difference as her age? I taught a Sunday School class of 2nd graders last year and they were a goofy bunch. I have almost mentored a young lady starting in kdg., who is now a fifth grader. She has become a diff. young lady since kdg., now going through the why homework, I don’t like school, school is not important. Wishing you the best!
Thanks, Cindy. I also figure a lot of the silliness we’re dealing with just comes with the age and Jordan’s personality.
[…] month, I was very worried about Jordan’s over-the-top choices she was making at school. After she spent an extended amount of time on lock down at home (no […]