Redefining staring and rude staring
I think this counts as an example of rude staring.
Last week we launched an awesome conversation about putting an end to staring. The one thing that came up many different time is the varying comfort people have to ask questions about a difference and the varying comfort people feel when they are asked questions.
I think we might need to first redefine staring. There really are two kinds. There’s passive staring from afar that does not bother a person who is 100 percent cool with his or her difference. I’m helping Jordan reach this phase. A person with a difference doesn’t look for passive stares so it doesn’t bother him or her. Passive staring is natural. It just is a moment when someone who hasn’t seen a physical difference has a chance to learn. Watching from afar, a person can learn how a difference doesn’t stop anyone from living life. I don’t think we ever want to tell someone to look away and ignore the fact they’ve discovered a unicorn. The trick is how that staring person reacts next: Point and whisper (or pull your child away in fear or embarrassment) or smile and say hello and maybe even ask questions when the situation seems welcoming to questions.
Rude staring is when a person moves from the opportunity of saying hello and instead chooses to point and whisper or rudely swarm or rudely confront a person with a difference. Some Born Just Right readers share moments when they were confronted by people (children and adults) saying things like, “What’s wrong with you?” I have seen children swarm around Jordan and just stare or talk to themselves as if Jordan is on display when all she wants to do is play. I have heard children yell out “ewww” and “that’s gross.” Some of these reactions come directly from parents who have hushed them from the passive staring stage and never taught them that being different is actually okay.
That’s why I would love to change the way we teach our kids about staring and learning about differences. Jordan and even many adults who I have talked to who live with differences would MUCH rather you take the passive staring and move on or turn it into a chance to introduce yourself and ask a polite question. It’s so much better than a whispering/pointing/”I am embarrassed to be around you” situation.
What’s even cooler about this conversation? It’s given my friends a chance to talk about how we talk about differences with our kids and even with each other. Have you tried talking about it with other families or peers? It’s so cool to watch adults rethink how we handle ourselves around people who are different. (Have you noticed there are a lot of great people out there who don’t fit the typical mold? Isn’t that cool?)
The one discussion that came up on Born Just Right’s Facebook page and during conversations with my friends is how do we transition from the passive staring into a chance to politely say hello and maybe ask a question instead of pulling your child away for staring. How do you take a teachable moment about staring so our kids can learn differences are just that: different. But they are also a chance to understand that people who look different are unicorns. And unicorns are cool. How do you talk about staring and helping a child learn about differences? I’d love to hear from you.
What about very young children staring? My 5-year-old is at the phase right now where he stares at people who are different. He isn’t being malicious, just curious. And I will often try to encourage him not to stare. Is that the right way for me to handle it? I don’t want to be viewed as the rude mom pulling him away when I’m trying to make an effort to teach manners.
Megan, instead of stopping him from staring, what about saying hi if the person being stared at notices. In the meantime, just let your little guy know that lots of people are different and it’s okay to maybe take a moment to say hi and maybe he or she will talk to him. But it’s much nicer to take a moment to learn how someone can be different and know that the person he is looking at is awesome…. and isn’t it cool to know each and every one of us is different in some way.
My daughter is a double leg amputee and gets stared at a lot… meanwhile she is also a 4 year old and has her own curiosity about differences she has never seen before. I have told her that we do not comment on people’s bodies in front of them because it might make them shy, but she can always ask me in private about something she sees. At a festival we saw a boy with cranio-facial deformities who had a cochlear implant. I was very proud that my daughter said nothing until he walked away, then she asked me why he had something on his head. I found it interesting that she was more interested in the cochlear implant than in the fairly severe facial deformities. I just explained that his ears don’t work the way ours do so that little tool helps him to hear. I think that when you see your child staring you should quietly acknowledge that he is seeing something new, and assure him that everything is ok. “That little girl has one arm like yours, and one that is different. Wow, look at all the things she can do with only one hand!” I was at a tee-ball game with my daughter once and a young child behind us in the stands had noticed my daughters legs and said in a concerned voice “that baby doesn’t have feet!” His dad simply said, “It doesn’t seem to bother her though, does it?” I thought that was great!