Talking About Little Arm
Jordan and I were talking about having a little arm this week. It’s rare when we just talk about her limb difference… because there’s so much to talk about. And people, Miss Jordan is a talker. It’s the only thing she gets a check-minus on almost every week in her weekly folder from school. The girl can talk.
But when it comes to her little arm, we don’t talk all the time about it. Lately she’s had a couple of questions. She was trying to find reasons why. I guided her through the concept doctors have given us: A blog clot or a heart blip stopped your arm from growing any longer. There’s no way to grow it longer. And yes, we probably need to start therapy again to prevent some repetitive strain. And yes… it’s okay to use your shoulder, we just need to get parts of your body stronger to make sure you can keep using your shoulder without pain.
It really gets her thinking when her shoulder hurts a bit.
But the conversation that really interested me this week was when she mentioned a kid asked her what happened to her arm. And she lamented how she AGAIN said, “I was born this way.” And they all moved on. But this time I asked her: “Would you rather someone asked or if they didn’t ask.”
Her answer was, “I am okay if they ask, it’s when another person asks and then another person and another person.”
Questions are SO much better than staring. (Note to parents: Please let you kids ask questions. Also, you’re allowed to ask too.) I told Jordan that we should make a t-shirt up that she can wear when she’s in a crowd of new people that says: “Born Like This… I’m Good. Let’s Move On.”
She thought that was pretty funny.
I love that idea Jen & Jordan! I’d rather have people ask too but it does get a bit tiring telling people what happened to my arm. I’d love a T-shirt that says that! Good job U two!
Thanks, Lyn! I’m glad you like it.
We’ve often said we wanted a shirt that says the same thing. So many people assume something ‘happened’ to Eli. We would totally sport that shirt if you make one!
I’m getting a lot of encouragement. I might create one this weekend.
Jen….
“Questions are SO much better than staring. (Note to parents: Please let you kids ask questions. Also, you’re allowed to ask too.)”. I can’t but agree!! 😉
I love the t-shirt idea!! ;-D
–Raelyn
I would buy this shirt.
Love this!! We have a 6 yr old daughter missing her right hand. We would totally buy a tshirt. You may need to really think about making some!! 🙂
I’m loving the support from everyone about these shirts. I’ll see what I can do!
A – very much grown-up – friend of mine was born with a nearly fingerless hand. When people ask, he tends to tell stories such as: “I’m a pirate and this is for my hook” or “when I lived in Munich, I often went to the zoo and became friends with a tiger cub. One day, I petted him …” (Imagine a perfectly straight face and avery casual tone of voice with that!)
Given that he belongs to various minorities (LGBT plus very high IQ, to name but two) and wasn’t born in the country he lives in, I’ve always admired his courage.
Not exactly a strategy for kids, though.
Good luck with the shirts
r
Love it, need the shirt and totally agree with Jordan. Ask just don’t walk in circles around me giving me the ha ha I’m not staring at you and thinking you are weird look. Hate that!!!
Jordan is a very smart kid and you are a fantastic mum.
Thank you, Regi!
A thought regarding a t-shirt response. Perhaps a button instead that can be worn on any article of clothing or even her backpack. This may de-emphasize the difference, but still provides a response.
Maria – I love that idea as well!
Never read your blog before, but found it today through Love That Max. Great post – lovely that your gorgeous daughter has reached an age where these conversations are appropriate, and she sounds really mature and sensible. My (wheelchair using/severe LD) son had a t-shirt that read ‘you don’t to stare, I know I’m amazing’. Here in the UK there are some ships that print on t-shirts (and Christmas stockings etc) in your chosen font – they do names as well as phrases etc, so I’m sure they must have similar other places (and there’s always this world wide web of pure too!) – let us know if you do go for it!
Take care
Lucas
PS love the comment by Regine – my friend, a school teacher, has just one thumb on her left hand, and spreads equally amusing stories around school about it, though she comes clean on a regular basis – at the start of each school year she sits all her kids down to have a chart about it to give them a chance to ask any question about it they want – she always says the kids are fine, and it’s the adults at parents evening that can’t stop looking at her hand!
Ha! Thanks Lucas. It can be the adults who have the hardest time asking questions.
My daughter shakes. A lot. She has essential tremors that could be confused with Parkinson’s. People ask if she is cold, if she has MS, if she has Parkinson’s? She says it bothers her and I asked why? I think–if I shook like my daughter does–that I’d prefer people ask rather than stare and try to figure out what is going on. She answered the same as your girl. If only one question, it isn’t so bad. But lots of them, she just doesn’t want to keep talking about her disability.
I’m so glad your daughter is comfortable enough to answer the questions.
Found you on Love That Max today. Happy Friday.
Hi Linda! It is great for Jordan to share her thoughts. I hope she keeps it up.
What a great idea! I’m a huge proponent of being direct and answering genuine questions about my disability, but it can get tiring when there are so many in a short time! (Glad to have found your blog via Love That Max!)
My daughter is only 3 and I have always answered questions with a mind toward the idea that my response would influence her own future response, that she will react the way I do as she grows older. I did really well for a good long while, explaining that the feet she was born with didn’t work, so the doctors took them off so they could give her robot legs. Lately though, I feel like I am loosing patience with the stares and questions. As Jordan said, it depends on the situation. A question is fine, but many children will then ask the exact same question 3 more times, as though they hadn’t heard a word I said. When an older kid of around ten shouted to me across a crowded courtyard “what happened to her feet?” it was all I could do to not turn around and say “what happened to your manners?” It really got me the other day when, at a playground, I waited for my daughter at the end of a tunnel slide. Two older children stood there too, and as she emerged wearing her little stubby prosthetics one said to the other “see?” She has clearly taken him over to give him a look at my child. Curiosity is normal, but treating someone like a strange creature in a zoo to be gawked at and displayed for others is what really gets me. So far my daughter seems mostly unaware, and I dread the days to come when her feelings are hurt by these occasions.
Miranda – I TOTALLY understand how you feel. The last time a group of kids brought others to take a look at Jordan, I went up to them and explained that if they want to play with Jordan they can but she isn’t a zoo animal. She’s a person. And if they took a moment, they’d notice she’s having fun and can do everything. The girls did not take my input well. I even went to the leader’s mom. When the mom wouldn’t even listen to what lesson I had to offer… I had to tell myself that there will always be people who are unteachable. And they don’t deserve the energy it takes to get angry. The best we can do is live our life and let our kids grow and do everything they can. If some people can’t handle that, it’s their loss! Hang in there Miranda. I’m sending you digital hugs.
[…] 2013,Therapy 0Pin ItDigg DiggIn a quest to combat Jordan’s recent complaints about shoulder pain, I took her to a new occupational therapist. We have a brand new plan of attack and Jordan is very […]
Will you be making the “I was born this way….” shirts? I need a couple of them.
Thanks.Michele
I really need to get on that, Michele. Let me add that design into my online shirt shop. I’ll be sure to write a post about it ASAP!
Hi! I was born with a little arm (ending just below the elbow on my left arm). In my case, I would much rather people ask me why I have it, then constantly stare, wondering why my arm is that way. I am a teenager, and the majority of questions I get is from young children. I assume this is because they speak their minds so easily. It takes them some time to understand, but they eventually do come around. People my own age ask less, but some do. I’ve never really had somebody make fun of me about my arm, however when people start to stare too much, I usually try and explain it, or, if needed, ask them to stop/go away. People have the right to be curious, and sometimes you need to explain things. 🙂